The quiet moments

Peace and quiet....I really used to enjoy peace and quiet. What parent of young kids doesn't?? Time to sit and relax and have your thoughts to yourself. Unfortunately, I no longer enjoy quiet moments. Hopefully it is just the raging pregnancy hormones I am having at the end of this 39ish week journey, but I find myself in the quiet moments unable to process anything. My mind jumps around to every scenario I can fathom. The details of what I come up with in my brain aren't even important, it's just the fact that I can't wrap my head around how our life will be. I am not scared of the C-section, I trust the doctors (that is a lot for me to say b/c I don't really trust doctors all that much about some things!). I know they do so many cesareans that they are second nature, I know that healing afterwards for me will be fine and if breastfeeding is meant to happen and I work hard enough at it, I can overcome any kind of shaky start we may have. But I am scared. I am scared of EVERYthing else. How big is his lesion? How much pain will he be in? When I go to say good-bye to John and David, what do I say to them? I don't even know for sure when I will get to see them again or when they would even get to meet their brother. I cry thinking about that moment. How will they perceive this whole process? I hate knowing that I will be so out of sync with them and not be able to hold their hand and explain everything that is happening, but then I hate that I feel that way b/c Thomas needs me right now. He needs all of me, he needs me to bring him into this world in the safest way possible and for me to take the time to heal myself so I can properly take care of him and learn about what he will need from us. I feel like there isn't enough of me to go around and therein lies the mommy guilt that I am sure all moms feel. I am sure all of this is being compounded by those stupid raging hormones. I am constantly on the verge of tears (John is such a lucky guy, isn't he??). We went to an outdoor concert a day ago and I didn't even really like the sound of the band or the singer's voice that much, but she sang Somewhere over the Rainbow and I lost it. Had to put on my shades at a family concert in the park so it wasn't awkwardly obvious that the very round girl sitting in the grass is crying. But the words really got to me....

"Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?"

 
What will Thomas think of his life? Will he wish he was different? These questions can be asked by any parent, really, but for some reason I can't shake the fact that he will want to be different than he is and that SCARES THE S&*$ out of me. I am reading a book called Wonder. It is an incredible book about a boy with physical differences and I encourage anyone with kids to read it (or really anyone at all), but there are times I can't see the words on the pages, because I get consumed at how Thomas will be perceived by his peers and how this will affect him.  If he is in a wheelchair or needs a walker or braces to move, and how he will probably be in diapers into Kindergarten. I feel so helpless even thinking about it now. Those are what my quiet moments are made up of now.... but I just have to keep showing up and being brave because that is what he will have to do. The other book I just finished (I promise I won't turn this blog into a must read list of books, but reading right now soothes me) Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton was an inspirational pick me up right at the correct time. She talks about life is hard not because you are doing it wrong, but because it IS hard. Parenting is hard because it IS hard. Just because it is hard doesn't mean you are missing anything or that you aren't doing it right. Every time you read one of those Facebook articles on how fast it will go by and how you need to seize the day and remember every moment and you start to feel worse about yourself for being tired or being scared or being unsure of how to do whatever it is you are supposed to do as a parent you are buying into the wrong philosophy. It's ok that it is hard and it's ok to be scared....which was good news for me b/c I am scared. I am scared of the unknown that is about to be thrust upon my little family. I am scared. I don't know what I am doing with the kids that I have now so how the heck am I supposed to help a new little guy navigate this world with challenges that I can't even fathom.  

At the doctor's appointment today, we got another slight little curve ball that my pregnancy hormones handled beautifully (insert sarcasm here). They may be doing the C-section as early as next Tuesday.....you read that right. Basically a week away. I am not ready...would I really ever be ready for this next step, I don't know, but don't move it earlier. That is days earlier that I have to say goodbye to my boys, days earlier that I will have no control over what happens (just humor me in the fact that I feel somewhat in control usually) with one of my kids. And to top it off, we won't know for sure until Thursday when the date is....I keep telling myself that this is the universe, or God, or my guardian angel, or even Thomas (depending on what you believe in) just giving me a dose now of getting used to rolling with some punches and being out of control, but still needing to show up and be brave. Hopefully at the appointment on Thursday I will have come to terms with this and leave the office ready for whatever they tell me. On a side note, and the happiest note of the day, Thomas weighs 5lbs 11oz right now, which is more that David weighed when he was born. We also got a new bed for John and a new crib for David on the way back from the hospital, so I can put off lots of those horrible peace and quiet moments putting everything together and cleaning the house getting ready to meet our son!