Today's appointment was relatively low key. The ventricles are both 20 mm now, which is the smallest decrease we really have seen so far (also the least amount of time between measuring, but I am blocking that out for the moment). Everything else is measuring normal - well as normal as spina bifida can measure. The thing that most struck me today was the entirety of this pregnancy. I have said many times, that I enjoy being pregnant (obvs since we are about to have 3 kids under the age of 4), but I feel people are kinder to me and much more social. Maybe I am not approachable in my everyday non-pregnant life - I guess it could be the blueberries in my hair or the snot on my sleeves from chasing around kids all day - but normally random people on the street don't take an extra notice to smile or say hi. However, when I am pregnant, I feel like people always smile at me or make a nice well-meaning comment. Even if it isn't about the baby or the pregnancy, just a hello or a joke about the snot on my sleeve, people seem much nicer to the rounder version of me. Which leads me to an awkward situation. It seems taken for granted that babies will be healthy. When people ask if it is a boy or a girl and I always tell them how I enjoy not knowing, when it is possible, because I like how special it makes the birth day and the whole birthing experience. To this, many people answer "That is true and it doesn't really matter as long as it's healthy". It's like a hot knife to my gut. Our baby isn't healthy, does this mean we won't love him as much? Does this mean he isn't wanted as much as his brothers were? Does it make us less excited to meet his sweet little chubby face in a few short weeks because he isn't the perfect picture of a healthy baby? It ranks up there with "Got another little soccer player cooking in there" or "Another healthy little boy to run around after". I know that these people are completely well-meaning and have no idea how much those harmless little comments cut right through me and take my breath away, but I can't help but wonder if I should tell them at that moment. He most likely won't be able to play soccer or to run around with other little boys. I want people to know about our son's diagnosis, I want them to know that this can happen and that it will be okay. Health shouldn't be a qualifier of if we will accept our babies or not. Health is not something I will ever again take for granted in myself or those that I love. I will not assume that health is status quo and all that matters, I will now cherish it for the gift and the blessing that it is. I want to tell everyone around us about his spina bifida, because when we meet our son, it is going to be there, glaringly obvious, that he is not healthy and I don't want to feel like I hoodwinked people during the pregnancy so they wouldn't feel sorry for him or for us. I want them to know now what is happening, so they don't feel pity for him once he arrives. He is going to be a fighter (he will need to be with two older brothers and cousins that won't give him any GD pity and will pick on him and fight with him like the little boy that he is). I just don't know where the line is on who you tell and when you tell them. The passing stranger that I will never see again? Probably doesn't care at all. The acquaintance that lives down the street with two little kids around the same age who we see on walks regularly? They will probably figure it out, do I tell them now so they aren't wondering later what happened? Do I give them a head's up so we don't have the same awkward run in and conversation about chasing more kids around in the future? The friend of a friend whom I am not sure if they know through the grapevine and now it's like an elephant in the room b/c they don't want to ask and I don't want to give them more information than they really care to know about us? I really want to yell it from the rooftops or the mountains or the playgrounds so it's out there for everyone to know and to see and to be comfortable with. I don't want people dancing around the topic out of fear or uncomfortableness. I want to make it an open conversation so we can all learn and be ready to help out this little dude, however he may need it, with no pity of fear of his diagnosis. I want people to know that even if babies aren't 'healthy' they are still our babies. It's the spina bifida that is awful and we hate, not the baby.
Next appointment Thursday June 12th - then beach vacation!!!
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