Today was the 35 week ultrasound. The good news is that lil Flacher boy decided to stay cooking while we were at the beach. All the warnings from the doctors and worst case scenarios that were thrown out at us, never came to pass! The not great news is that the left ventricle has increased pretty dramatically up to 30mm now, as I have said before, this doesn't hurt our little guy and it isn't causing any damage, it is just an indicator that the fluid is in fact being blocked significantly and we will need to act on that. However, his head size is back to measuring in the normal range and his weight and heart beat were typical. I did download a few pictures to show everyone. The first one is a zoomed out picture of the opening on the spine. He is facing away from us in this picture and curled into a little ball, which gave us a great view of the spine. The little black slit that the arrow is pointing to is the lesion on his lumbar spine. This is the best picture we have of his lesion so far. Something about this photo is comforting to me, that little black opening isn't scary.
The next picture is a good shot of his little face. I know the ultrasounds are very hard to see what is going on sometimes, so I won't post too many. I have seen so many at this point that I am getting pretty good at seeing through the interference. This next one reminds me of the emperor from Star Wars, like he is gazing out of the darkness of his hood and you can only see his nose and lips, but not his eyes.
He seems wise to me in this picture. While we are out here worrying about what is going to happen and what life will be like, he is all comfy in there and just practicing puckering his lips and breathing - the important stuff. He isn't worried about life outside of that little emperor hood, he is going to deal with what comes his way and it will be the only life he will know. Today at the appointment we were discussing delivery options and my MFM doctor said he thinks a vaginal delivery would be better at this point, he isn't worried about infection b/c I will have to be on antibiotics during delivery anyways since I had a positive strep B test and that would protect the baby from infection. We don't have to worry about a sac rupturing since the lesion is flat and he thinks if we can avoid a C-section, it could help with my bonding with the little guy quicker, which could prove important for recovery. The real decision will be left until next Tuesday, July 1st when we meet with the neurosurgeon. He can give us more insight into what he thinks will be best, based on his experience. On that day we will most likely schedule whatever procedure we decide on and it will be during the 38th week - which is 3 weeks away!!!! That is what hit me like a charging rhinoceros (we are still in an animal phase at our house). 3 weeks, we are not ready! It seems like someone started a countdown officially today and I have this feeling that there is too much to do and some of it can't be done. I want to spend as much time and uninterrupted playing with both of my boys. I want to give them so much attention right now so they can feel loved and appreciated. I am scared that once the baby comes, he will, by nature of his needs, get all of my attention. Their life will be babysitters and waiting rooms, possibly not sleeping in their own beds for long stretches of time. Don't get me wrong, they will most likely love it, we have such an amazing village helping us raise these kids that they will be on one big field trip and play date constantly, but I worry that they will lose track of their relationship with John and I. I don't want them to think that we are choosing the baby over them and that we have left them to their grandparents because the baby is more important. 3 weeks doesn't seem like enough time to get in enough loving on them to make that impression, especially when life is still going on around us. In these moments, I have this impending doom feeling, that when the baby gets here it will be all chaos and crazy emotions, which sends me into another guilt fog b/c the arrival of a new baby should be so exciting and tiring and joyful. You hunker down as your own new family unit and bond and get to know the newest little squirt, while watching the existing squirts become big and bigger brothers. We will be robbed of this at first and that makes me sad, we don't know how long before the boys can even meet him, let alone when he can come home. What will they think at that point? Will they love their little brother? Will they even want to come home? Will they have enjoyed that dose of life without us and without a new little baby stealing all the attention, that they will be unhappy to come back to us? Not sure I could handle that. I don't want any inkling of resentment towards this little guy from his brothers or even from myself and I am not 100% positive that that is possible. I have to remember that it is the spina bifida to hate and to resent, not the baby. Keep them separate!!! This baby will help both boys be more compassionate and accepting, right? He will help them see that everyone is different, but that isn't something to fear or ignore or to avoid, differences are for us to embrace and to learn about. He will teach them that. He will also teach them that they aren't the center of the universe and sometimes other's needs will come before theirs. That can be a hard lesson to learn at their age, but ultimately it is a positive one....right?
Next appointment is a non-stress test on Thursday!
No comments:
Post a Comment