We have been here for 10 days now, which is almost as long as our initial NICU stay, but this one is much harder. Maybe since the first one was expected and we really didn't run into any surprises, it was easier to endure, but whatever it is..this one is getting to me. I had been doing well and keeping my head up, always trying to learn as much as I can about everything that is happening, but a day or two ago, I hit my wall. I fell into the dark place and started the 'this is so unfair' thoughts and all I could see was how much I miss my boys and how poor Thomas just can't catch a break and it just seemed like one thing after another. Once you let yourself start down that nothing-is-fair road, it spirals out of control quickly, especially when sleep deprived and a little lonely. I was jealous of everyone back home who did get to spend time with my boys and be part of their everyday lives. Hearing stories or seeing pictures of all I was missing at home, just made it worse. I missed Halloween and this was the first year John went trick or treating like a big kid, I won't get that back. I was supposed to help in his class for their party and get to see him interact with all his friends, broke my heart to miss that! Being on Facebook and seeing healthy babies or pregnancies, just produced sadness that my poor baby is in a hospital bed with stitches and wires all over him. By no means am I writing this for pity, I just want to get it out there so I can remember the feeling and be better prepared next time it starts to happen. After all, this blog started as a journal for Thomas' journey and this is a very real part of it. I let myself get focused on all the negative, which is unlike me, but that just speaks to what an intense situation this is. I hate this place! But then yesterday as I was getting on the elevator to come back up to Thomas' room after getting to see my family for a quick visit in the cafeteria, the light clicked back on. I was crying, as I do when anyone comes to visit then has to leave, and the man in the elevator with me was on the phone. He had on a parent badge and was also heading to the ICU. He was talking about an EKG reading for, what I am assuming is, his daughter, I should also interject here that I am a shameless eavesdropper - if you don't want me to hear it don't say it in the same city as me -her EKG was irregular after some sort of sudden trauma. He was pacing while he was talking. There was something in his voice - concern, anxiety, helplessness, pain -that struck a chord with me. You could hear the love, it was initially masked by all those other emotions, but when I really listened, it was love. Then as I stepped off the elevator to make that soul crushing walk down the dimly lit hospital hall that we have been residing in for the last 10 days, I saw a couple in front of me walk out of a room, take a deep breath and start to walk towards the parent lounge, as they walked they both simultaneously reached out their hands and continued to walk, hand in hand, down the hall. Again, there was the love. This was not a romantic moment in their life, I am assuming, it was just love, most likely in a moment of need. Whatever is going on with the kid they have in that room, they are loving him/her through it together and that is beautiful. Yes, this place can be ugly and hateful and take you to dark places if you let it, but if you look closer, it's filled with love, lots and lots of love. Sometimes it is filled with love masquerading as sadness or anger, but at the base of it, is still love. Once I found the love, this became easier. It's hard to miss my other boys, but it's because I love them and that is wonderful, they are surrounded by so much love back home and that is a blessing beyond belief. It's hard to watch Thomas have to go through all of this, but that's because I love him. It's all so hard because we are doing it right. It's hard because it's love and love can be hard, and sad, or happy and joyful, or even angry and frustrating, but at the end of the day it's love, you just have to find it. So next time I get a little chippy with a doctor for not handling something the way that I think is best for Thomas, I will make sure to follow it up with, "it's only because I love you that I am mad at you right now..." and I am sure they will understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment